Why the hell I’m losing my mind, when my sixth sense warns me about every possible failure which could come ahead. I’m deeply disappointed with myself. My behavior and guts has betrayed me.
Life has lost its meaning. Oh I wish if I could have taken it more serious. didn’t go well, if I wish somehow, I could have done the best things to have good communications with everyone. Such an embarrassment I mean why should I care what is done is gone. Why I am overthinking oh! Yes, I should read some book, console myself or just write something beautiful. See the sunset or perhaps I should take a nap. Maybe I should have gone to my dad’s office. This way I could have bring my mind to peace. Well I should have prepared the compering well enough and must have rehearsed it properly. I wish I could change the past.
What a shame, a disgrace to myself. How can I face those teachers? I certainly put my own reputation on stake. It is terribly lost. It took a lot of courage to bring my self-esteem back. Why did a person go half the way to the university and come back home for no reason? Burns the petrol and comeback like a loser. Such a confused personality I’m. I should never had attended that event. My life has now become a hell on earth. It must be because of my poor decision making. How would I face the campus faces? Staring at me. The critics. God help me. I’m tormented, ahh, lets watch something, some good movie to cheer me up. To make me feel better maybe I should have gone to a friend but wait I have no friends but my books. I’m a superman as” Nietzsche” portrait ed. Be strong, I’m feeling hungry I must eat something. I should get out of this cursed room. Oh man what should I do. I’m exaggerating again. Past is gone I can’t change it. I’m looking for an escape.
I know I have the potential to things more than anyone can do. I don’t know why I didn’t do it.
What a mess I’m, look at me, I’m full of shit: a person who has in his mind only madness. You should have proven yourself what your capable of doing. How can you led yourself down and others to look down towards you? Your lost, where are you? find yourself. Who are you? What have you done? Oh! I should have let it someone else took the role of hosting. How can I present myself with such stupidity? I have got no solution to my problem. And the anxiety. What an idiot What is this distress, I’m depressed. I cannot escape from these tormenting thoughts.
Oh Allah help me to overcome my fears and doubts. I need the confidence back. My mother is always worried about me, she thinks I’m a fool and spend lavishly. I have spent more than 2700 in a month. And I have no idea where it goes. Now I need some money again to buy a guitar with the name of God how I’m gona manage it.
I’m a disintegrated person. Like a damned soul I’m wondering in a bottomless abyss; which has no way out. Oh lord please help me. Human endurance such pains is incredible. I will overcome this time too. I have seen much worse than this. Let it show all the adversity obstacles, for sorrows are my continues friend. I have done nothing good today, such a wasted day. Each breath is heavy and I have wasted it all on these useless worries which are now in past. What will I do now? Can I be defeated?
Man can be destroyed but as long as he is standing he cannot be defeated says “Hemmingway” so, let it be my man, I’m gonna make it through. Cause I know I can.
Well! There is more to life. You know your goal. You’re a writer, hahah A writer who don’t know grammar who have receive dozens of rejections. Where is the winner? Enough sitting here on this itching chair, smoking cigarettes aimlessly, I’m going for some sleep ahh! There’s the bed the warmth of it I can still feel. Let dreams overcome this cruel reality and miserable life.
What is meant by stream of consciousness? One might wonders why? The blogger has attempted to choose such name for his blogpost?
As many of you must have heard about Stream of consciousness. well! It is a narrative mode or method that attempts to depict the multitudinous thoughts. A narrative device that attempts to give the written equivalent of the character’s thought processes, either in a loose interior monologue. Stream-of-consciousness writing is usually regarded as a special form of interior monologue and is characterized by associative leaps in thought and lack of some or all punctuation. Stream of consciousness and interior monologue are distinguished from dramatic monologue and soliloquy, where the speaker is addressing an audience or a third person, which are chiefly used in poetry or drama. it is primarily a fictional device.
It is a style of writing developed by a group of writers at the beginning of the 20th century. It aimed at expressing in words the flow of a character’s thoughts and feelings in their minds. The technique aspires to give readers the impression of being inside the mind of the character. Therefore, the internal view of the minds of the characters sheds light on plot and motivation in the novel.
Why to blog in the manner of stream of consciousness?
The purpose of my blog is to stimulate my thoughts freely in the form of words in such a technique to express more imitatively. Everything that happens in my life whether good or bad it passes on and I will blog them in the form of stream of consciousness. It is challenging even though I will try my best. Artistically I have every right to express my each and every thought that comes to my head without any prejudice or manipulation. The goal of the art is the reflection of truth. Being true to oneself and promoting the freedom of expression.
I’m thinking of making it simply a common technique out of its limitations not only in fiction but to make it a common thing to do. Also, to promote it as a best and a unique way of expressing oneself freely.
Readers are required to have patience and tolerance, not to put any rash judgments but to understand it and see how different thoughts unfold in our minds at the same time. out of our own creative capacity the ability to produce thousands of thoughts in seconds.
We are often told that we are what we eat. In our world since the printing press it might be more accurate to say we are what we read. How each of us digests what we read is mystery? And what people read is sometimes as puzzling as what they think.
The Statement I mentioned above is no doubt a true story we are mostly very complex beings, what differentiate us from our lower mammals is the ability to think and feel.
we are what we repeatedly do, it is not an act but a habit concluded “Aristotle”. Billions of years ago, now are the days for blogging, online world, the mass information. From social networking to the invention of internet we have revolutionize the world of written word, it is so far the best source of communication, we feed our brains daily by the news channels and newspapers etc. Even God Himself gifted humans with Holy Scriptures such is the importance of a written word.
In the Holy Quran the 1st revelation was to read! As Allah says in the surah Alaaq 1st verse:
Read! In the Name of your Lord, who has created (all that exists),
Has created man from a clot (a piece of thick coagulated blood).
Read! And your Lord is the Most Generous,
Who has taught (the writing) by the pen [the first person to write was Prophet Idrees (Enoch)],
Has taught man that which he knew not.
Importance of reading could be judged by this, that almost every religion in world has saved it’s teaching in the form of sacred scriptures, I usually started reading deeply when I was in college, I come to realize the peace and calm which instills in our souls by reading, it was at that time I came to know the importance of literature in our life’s.
Now I left none and have read dozens of Novels and Short stories, Essays whether Fiction or Non-Fiction I do read and it is the best exercise for the mind, it makes one sharp, improve ways of thinking, broaden our perspective and it’s a kind of a non-verbal communication, we can read some good piece writing from a writer who have lived millions of years ago.
We can feel his sorrows and pains, know about that place and time, can emerged into an imaginary world and may forget our worries, it’s like magic or like traveling vicariously to different places and knowing the people, culture and norms of other societies. The artist is the keen observer of the nature of Man and his surrounding’s that can be portrayed for special time and place as to be captured in words, which remains refreshed lifelong for the readers.
As James Joyce “Ulysses” in the intro he wrote:
“I’ve put so many enigmas and puzzles that it will keep professors busy for centuries arguing over what I meant, and that’s the only way of insuring one’s immortality”
Joyce’s discovering was that the ordinary was extraordinary’.
When I open a book, I feel like I’m in a club, of all the great writers and philosopher’s whose company I enjoy, they came out of the words I pronounce loudly as I’m having a conversation
As Ernest Hemmingway wrote “There is no friends as loyal as a book” so is the reality of the quote, at least as by my experience we are all different, God has created us unique and we prefer our individuality, the time very often comes when we got sick of mere chatters and nonsense gossips, nobody understands us, everybody has some kind of interest in our acquaintance we came to realize it sooner or later and at that very moment we develope a safeguard against such people, which is acceptability instead of honesty
We never reveal ourselves truly, some dirty secrets have to be kept hidden in our lonely hearts, and most writers reveal in their writings. For instance: it also teaches us of self-reliance as ‘Henry David Thoreau’ went into the woods for straight 3 years, and wrote Walden, if you read it you will feel his attempt for the incapability of society to understand other human beings, he further describes pleasures of reading in his book:
“To read well is to read true books in true spirits that is the noble exercise”
Moreover, I can also provide an example of a German writer garter who burst out in his death bed, out of a sheer outcry with tenderness he added:
‘nobody has understood me and I have never understood anyone, nobody understands anyone’
if it sounds a bit wired than don’t worry because the truth remains truth even if you don’t like it. But reading can seriously help us to understand and also to compromise with others to know their values, and emotions to be true to the facts and try to understand others instead of forcing ourselves to be understood, and one can also understands at the same time, the stated need for solitude during harsh circumstances, it is better to live alone than compromising to a false community, Be like the lone wolf away from the scoundrel’s wolf pack.
As Mark twain put in with a great sense of humor that “The person who doesn’t read is no better of than the person who cannot read”.
Hope we understand the vitality of thought and vital role of our divine gift to ponder and to think by reading books, instead of being ignorant, stubborn and lazy like nowadays most people are, also the world has became a global village and we have a lot of distractions around us to name a few like the TV, cellphone, Facebook and work etc. Never allowed us the required time to read, as to illustrate very frankly.
Aldous Huxley (great British writer)
Sadly it is the brave new world of Aldous Huxley which we see around us today as similar to what he shows us in his utopian novel.
Excerpt from chapter 2:
“Some nurses present the babies with books and flowers. As the babies crawl toward the books and the flowers, cooing with pleasure, alarms ring shrilly. Then, the babies suffer a mild electric shock. Afterward, when the nurses offer the flowers and books to the babies, they shrink away and wail with terror”.
It seems to me quite true today, as it was written about in 20th century. The artist realizes this many years ago and warns us how the world will be going in this direction and today’s world is no more different than that of the Aldous brave new world and inevitably only the savages must and can read so beware.
“There are the worst crimes than that of burning books one of them is not reading them”.
Hope it would provide some reawakening or troublesome feelings to the reader if not the inspiration.
Happy reading 🙂
Life is like a wheel it start spinning when we are born, with passage of time, spun it sometimes a little faster , when we are happy, in peace and calm, satisfied and extraordinarily comforted by everyone around us
by accomplishments and achievements, having a good self-esteem.
As “Maslow” put in his hierarchy of needs at the top self actualization, we realize our self what we have is of greatest importance, but meanwhile the wheel turns slow, sometimes more faster that we are enable to keep a hold on it
It is when we are in difficult situation,in anguish and severe pain, full of miserable sorrows of life, we are unable to suck out all the marrows of life and live with mighty, not with in our realms among the false society judged by their prejudice, incapability to understand us.
So we could share our sorrows, console us, help us, yet we pity our self’s we beg for acceptance of others to let them control us the wheel of life, which in truth is only moving by our own whims, for us alone, no one else could stop it, or keep its speed steady when its too fast when it slows down so much as to give it a push.
The wheels are our own thoughts which existbecause we exist we are the ones who makes it move, not others
Than why we look on others with tenderness and sought for external sources? when the very core of its dogma force is intrinsic as “Alderfer” put it in his two factor theory, don’t let other to fool you, yo manipulate you, its your wheel only you can can control it, that is your life, stop caring what other people think of us, what they want us to do? when er are down,seek withing yourself you will know the force moving
The wheels are actually the soul ,which makes the body to act, the body acts as its commanded by the thoughts which are in return formed by impression of our world,, we live in, be a self propelled wheel as the great “German philosopher Nietzsche” wrote, as the American transcendentalist “Henry David Thoreau“wrote in “Walden” about self-reliance to live simply one needs and live with simplicity, in near future that same will which moves the wheel weekend and make it shudder, trembles and sooner it will be perhaps mortal, it shivers ecstatically and stopped eventually then the sordid, off which we proclaimed death.
So coarsely with sordid expressions, so you are going to die alone, it means all the suffering and pain, the joys and happiness we endure has to be experienced by us alone,
The true happiness lies with death whose gonna die with you?
No one , you will be in extreme loneliness in your grave covered with mighty darkness , in order to illuminate it, be the light , know the truth and live like a king. your a Dead men already while living with compromises , living so dear and real when one lives for ones own sake.
Life would be more fascinating only when one knows himself, his desires,needs and the independent thoughts free from imposed opinions of folks living around you, make followers but don’t follow. on giving others one would truly invest in one condition if he knows what to give?
And that could only be by knowing one’s own self, one’s own true meaning of existence as the great philosopher of all time “Socrates” says “know thyself”